our newest babe... and his name

Last week, Tuesday night, I woke up at 11:30 after feeling a contraction. Nothing especially painful but it just felt... different. I knew this was the beginning. We called our doulas (mine and Jacob's) and prepared to go to the hospital. We debated waking Jacob up, seeing how it was 1 am at this point. I knew he'd be pissed, though, if I had the baby without him being there. So, I kissed him and he woke up, asking "Is it morning?" I said, "No, we're going to the hospital to have the baby." And he adamantly replied, "I want to come too." And off we went.

Labour was harder for me this time around than with Jacob. It was surprisingly more painful, which I was not expecting. Jacob's birth, although hard, felt tolerable throughout. These contractions were way more intense. And even though I was progressing, the baby wasn't dropping. Even though I planned on having another natural birth, I asked for an epidural this time. I admit, I feel a bit like a wuss for doing that. Not that I regret it, but I felt like, having been through one natural birth, I could do it again. I'm proud to have had Jacob without pain meds. However, this labour felt brutal. The epidural was so relieving. Then came the time when the doctor said, 'Okay, you're ten centimeters and the baby has dropped. You can start pushing." But I didn't really feel much; a very strange idea to push when there's no feeling in your bottom. For this reason, I would try to have another natural childbirth. However, after awhile, the epidural wore off and I could feel contractions, urges to push and, eventually, the crowning of the baby. So, all in all, I got to experience the birth while skipping over a bit of pain in the middle. And I was a bit surprised when the doctor announced that the baby was a boy! This one felt more like a girl to me.

 Jacob was a trooper the whole night and his doula was invaluable. He took a short nap at one point when I had my epidural, but when it came closer to the baby being born, we woke him up. He wanted to watch the baby be born, which he did. Later, he said it grossed him out and he hid under a blanket. But he also said that he would watch another sibling be born if we had more kids. 

I have been extremely impressed with how well Jacob has done this first week. He's been a proud, interested, loving big brother. Very patient and very fascinated by his little bro. It's adorable to watch. He has also already told his little brother that "he's lucky; he never has to have a baby." Get the important advice out first. 

Fraser has also been exceptionally helpful, taking on all the usual "mama" jobs around the house, stepping in to help with the baby whenever I need it and giving Jacob lots of attention. Without him around this past week, I would have been a bawling, irritable mess of a person and our transition would not have gone as smoothly as it has. I'm sad that he has to go back to work tomorrow and a bit apprehensive about how things will go, but my mom is coming into town tomorrow, so the timing is very good.

And again, we ended up with a boy and no boy's name, just like with Jacob. We've been pondering this all week, trying out different names. Jacob's top pick was Eyeball, but Fraser and I weren't as keen on it. Finally, after much deliberation, we've made a decision. Benjamin Adam Douglas. Hopefully, we haven't jinxed ourselves by giving him those initials. 

Even though it's a definite transition for all of us, it is amazing how the heart expands with love. Just holding the little guy is so special, hearing all those newborn sounds, smelling his new skin, looking at his teeny nails and fingers. Fraser said the other day, "I forgot how incredibly cute newborns are." Indeed... indeed.

time with the boy...

I am enjoying this time with Jacob as we all wait in excited anticipation of our newest addition. Fraser and I also plowed through numerous boxes in the shed today, trying to clear some space and find some newborn clothes - finally found them! But most days... I'm just hanging with the boy. And resting. And feeling like I've hit the calm before the storm. Anything that hasn't been done yet will just have to wait until after the baby is born. 

The other day Jacob and I headed to a bakeshop a friend told me about; she served an absolutely incredible cheesecake from this shop at her son's birthday party. I used to search bakeries out in Portland (because heaven knows there were soooo many lovely ones there), but I haven't done that here. This was the perfect opportunity.

Lucky's Bakehouse is where we headed for a special little treat Thursday morning. Oh, people... deliciousness abounds here. I had the most delectable raspberry filled doughnut I have ever had. It was like biting into a pillow or a marshmallow, except the taste was much better. But texturally, it was incredible. 

And of course, we ended up taking something home because there was so much to choose from! We decided on a salted caramel brownie. Also heavenly. Rich, decadent, fulfilling.

Jacob and I have also been doing lots of snuggling and talking about the baby coming. He'd like to be at the hospital when the baby is born, because he'd like to see it come out. This does not surprise me coming from him. We have talked a lot about what to expect, and we also have a sibling doula who will be there to take care of him while the whole labour process is going on. 

Jacob has been with me for most of this journey, from watching me take shots to seeing my uterus when they had to wand me to getting my blood drawn (and back to the lab to see what happens to the blood next). He's seen sperm under the microscope and knows that sperm and egg come together to make a baby and all sorts of factual stuff about pregnancy. This kind of up front talk is not for everyone (although I firmly believe that there is nothing weird about a child's natural curiosity or the human body... I could go on but won't). That being said, my next story is a little more "graphic", so this is your warning if you are weirded out by sex talk. 

Jacob and I were reading a book called Chickens Aren't the Only Ones. The author says that any animal who lays eggs is oviparous.
J: So, we're oviparous, too. You have eggs.
Me: Well, I do have eggs, but I don't lay eggs. When an animal lays eggs, the baby is already inside it. I have eggs in me but they only have information in them and have to join with a sperm to make a baby. Then the baby comes out not in an egg.
J: How does the sperm get to the egg? (I knew it was not long before this question occurred to him although we had not discussed this actual part yet)
Me: The sperm comes out of the penis and into the vagina and meets up with the egg.
J: How does a penis get into a vagina?
Me: You know how sometimes your penis gets hard. Well, the vagina is a hole so the penis fits inside it.
J: When can I give you a sperm?
Me: Well, you can't. You can't share sperm between kids and parents or brothers and sisters. It's a really private thing. You have to be grownup and love someone a lot and choose to be with that person for your whole life, like Mommy and Daddy. Then you have to talk about it and decide if you want to have a baby. It's a really big deal.
That was it for the moment.... the next evening at the dinner table:
J: Where did you get the sperm?
Me:I got it from Daddy.
J: When did you get it? Where? Why didn't I see it?
Me: Well, it's a very private thing that grownups do. Usually it happens in bed. 
Then I reminded him about all the doctor's appointments that we went through and how my body wasn't making a baby the way most people's do, so we had to take out the sperm and egg and put them together. Oh yes, he remembered all that. 

So..... not that I wanted to have this conversation this early because I don't really want him to be thinking about that stuff between Fraser and me. However, the question came up, and I tried to answer it as accurately and succinctly as possible. I don't remember asking my parents about sex; I don't remember not knowing how babies are made. At some point, I am sure I asked about it, and my parents told me how it was and it didn't make much of an impression because it was just how it was. We'll see what else trickles out of the boy's mind about this, but he is just fascinated and thinks about things and has questions. I'm glad he can come to me with his questions. There are plenty I can't answer (and I send him to Fraser for those), but this one I do know something about. I am sure I'm going to be getting the note from the kindergarten teacher telling me that Jacob was talking about the details of reproduction. I'll just ask if he got them right.

39 weeks!

prepare

I/we have been making some progress around here these days. At least this weekend felt that way. It's getting down to crunch time, I reckon, here at 38 weeks.

Lots of laundry washed.... still can't find the newborn size clothes, but I'm sure they'll turn up soon.

Several things that have been waiting to be hung finally got... hung.

yes, our kitchen is an unfortunate shade of pink right now

Fraser rigged up a light for a paper lantern that we got ages ago on our honeymoon. It was always a hope to have in a kid's room some day. It just took us five years to get it there.

 
Got my feet scrubbed and my toes painted so when I look at them during labour I don't freak myself out and stop all contractions...

yes, the big mound is actually my belly

I attempted to work on Jacob's closet that will be shared with the baby, but the shelves I got at Target turned out to be good 'ole poorly made Chinese crap. Disappointing. Maybe try Ikea shelves next.

And a friend came over today and helped me put together a bunch of meals for the freezer, so when the baby comes and I can't think straight much less cook a meal, there will be something decent to eat. 

Even though I planned this day and asked people to come and help me do it, I was still struggling last night, being exhausted after doing so much work around the house. I had no recipes, no food and had told people to come over at 9:30am the next morning. Thankfully, two things came together. One, a friend had sent me a website that featured crock pot freezer meals - Mommy's Fabulous Finds. Throw some ingredients in a bag, put it in the freezer, when you're ready to eat it, take it out for an overnight thaw and then stick it in the crock pot. I had envisioned cooking actual meals to freeze but this was way more my speed. And two, Fraser was awesome and wrote down all the ingredients and went grocery shopping at 6:45 this morning. Oh, thank you!

So... I think we have about 20 meals or so in the freezer now! Thank you, Michelle, for helping motivate me and getting it done! Really, it only took 2 1/2 hours. Totally my speed these days.

Along with these practical things, I've been preparing myself, mentally and emotionally, for the birth. Jacob was born during the 38th week of my pregnancy with him, so this baby could come any time. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that the baby will come early; I could still be pregnant for a whole month!

I asked some of my mom friends to send mother blessings or birth stories or something to take with me into labour. I want to feel the support and community of women around me who have been here and done this, our bodies beautifully evolving to go through this amazing process. Much of the community that supported me through my infertility journey is in Portland, and I want to feel their energy around me now. I have been so grateful for the things sent me thus far. Words, stories, tokens, images, light, music to take with me as I embark on this journey. The birth stories are intimate and wonderful and make me cry; a beautiful, personal gift that is like no other. I am very honoured to have good friends all over who are with me in spirit. Thank you. 

 

38 weeks :)

 

images from home....

Enjoying the holiday season....

View from the back door

zoomed in...

made by Jacob

peppermint bark!

spicy orange pecans

 And..... week 35! We're in the home stretch folks!

Amazing that there's a baby in there....

time unto myself...

My weekend away to rejuvenate was very nice. Very different than my my first one, back in April: the ocean offers a different energy and power than the mountains, I am very pregnant during this retreat and it's winter, making it... colder to be outside. So, I did spend a lot of time inside, retreating into myself and my baby. 

It has begun to occur to me more and more frequently that this baby is going to be coming into the world in the not-too-distant future. I'm excited about that. What I'm not totally excited about is getting it out. Knowing more about labour this time around makes me feel more confident as well as more nervous than I was for round one. 

In preparation for what's to come, I've been reading the book Birthing From Within. It's a great read, centering around the female body having the power and knowledge of birth within it and focusing on trusting that intuition during labour. I find that it's especially nice to read going into my second birth. It would have been nice to read for the first birth, but what I mean is that there is a tendency to view the first birth as very special (i.e. baby showers, more focus on the becoming mother, attention by others). For subsequent births, some of that new specialness seems to have worn off for others. But for me, there is a different kind of specialness to this pregnancy because of the extra work it took to get here.

Something in the  book that struck a chord with me was the sharing of the birth experience with other women. In many cultures, there are different customs and rituals that honour the mother and her shift into a different life. I think the power of women and community is very great and under-valued and under-used these days. Even though I have some very good friends here, I left my larger support network of moms in Portland. At this point in my pregnancy journey, I miss all their energy and support. 

This retreat did not feel long enough. I didn't come to any great epiphanies like I felt last time. At first, I was bummed about that. But what I realized was that this retreat was only a beginning. A beginning of retreating in, letting go of the outside world a bit more (and all those tasks that are forever being added to "the list"), focusing on me and the baby, preparing for a different lifestyle and honouring the present for what it is and for what it is soon to be.... the past. 

The ocean holds a cleansing power, constantly moving, changing, pushing out the old and taking in the new. In April, when we were making space for getting pregnant and making a major decision about moving, the power of the ocean spoke to me. It helped push out fears and challenge me to shift. The mountains hold a different power. One of strength, endurance, awe. As I approach the birth of my second child, this is the kind of energy I want to embrace: The power of being a woman, of growing another human being within myself; the strength and endurance to trust my body through labour; the awe of creating life. 

 

our days these days...

Two blog posts in one day? Oh my! I just didn't feel like this one went with the last one, so... you get two.

I have been maintaining my sanity since my appointment with my therapist last week, been doing much better on deciding what to have on my plate and what not to. I have done some organizing and thinking about decorating and some such things, but from a more pleasurable place, not a frantic one. I read in one decorating book that decorating is something that happens over time, not all at once. That is a helpful thing for me to think on. I did take the plunge and finally organize kitchen cupboards and drawers. I was avoiding that, truly.

Jacob and I made homemade granola which was wonderful and made me feel a bit more like myelf.... or my Portland self. It made the house smell so lovely and it's just delicious to eat!

 
And Jacob has been engrossed in domino tracks these days, giving us tours of the layout after completion. He's still figuring out all the ways to make them actually all fall, but he's just loving the whole process.

The baby is still moving and grooving in there at a lovely 29 weeks! We are making good progress, s/he and I. I'm still eating for one and a half but I will say that I don't usually feel the bottomless pit that I used to. Hopefully, all my fat cells have sucked up enough so, for the rest of this pregnancy, the fat can all go to the baby. 

Finally, I am also starting to take this online photography course that found on Groupon and signed up for in July. I have a year to take it but have not done anything with it yet. So, in light of trying to do more for me and my nourishment as well as actually use this thing I bought, I'm actually doing it! Hopefully, I'll learn some stuff and my photos will improve. 

And on that same note, I've also thought of taking more pictures of the things around me and my house (ahem) that I do like. Sometimes it's easier to see all the stuff I don't like and that bothers me. So this is a challenge to myself to look for the positive!