Tuesday, April 9, 2013

a little bit of a lot

There's been a range of things going on over here these days, all of which have kept me from this writing zone.

Since Jacob gave up his nap, it is just hard to make a time to write consistently. The morning hours and evening hours are already taken up by things (mostly exhaustion but sometimes chores or time with Fraser), leaving me still trying to find the sweet spot in which to put a few words down. And Jacob continues to be a challenging four year old, taking copious amounts of patience, breaks, tricks and just plain old alcohol in order to ensure mine and Fraser's survival (not to mention the boy's). He's a frustrated little dude these days, that I can tell. I'm just not sure always how to help him through that while maintaining the rules we have.

So, in lieu of all that, I decided I needed a mommy vacation. It is hard to extricate myself from my family; I love them dearly. I also love myself, sanity and the ability to eat chocolate at whim. I needed to be alone. I found myself a nice little room on the coast and, leaving my fantastic husband at home to deal with things, I escaped. 

Wow. Having been a mom now for four and a half years and having no one to hand my kid off to for days at a time, I have forgotten how glorious it is to spend time alone. To be able to think my own thoughts - full thoughts, not just fragments. To take as much time as I want to in any shop I am curious about, eat without someone trying to climb in my lap. To do what I want and at my own pace instead of being constantly at the ready for any number of demands, questions, desires, disciplinings or whatevers. It may sound crazy to some people (even to me, actually) but I have not been away from Jacob for more than one night at a time in his whole life, and even then, that's only happened three times! That's insane in my opinion and something that is due more to logistics than desire. Like I said, wow. 

My view of Haystack Rock from just outside my room.

The blowing sand that made me feel like I was watching time-lapse photography.


It was windy. It was rainy and stormy. It was wonderful. After noticing plenty of other people out on the beach, I prepared myself (and my camera) and headed into the elements. Half the time I couldn't see out of my viewfinder well enough to know exactly what I was taking a picture of, but the coast is so photogenic that it didn't matter much. And after a brisk time of it outside, I came in and had myself some tea and quiet time. Even though I do enjoy talking (ahem), I am probably more of an introvert than people realize. I need time alone to contemplate, to think through, to reconnect, to listen, to just be. Without this time, my mind becomes a jumble, and I become a ball of stress. Not good.

The light, the tide, the angle.... so many ways to view these beauties.

Looking south toward Manzanita

I even got some blue sky by the end.

This pretty much sums up how I felt.

 "I came to the sea to breathe" - Mary Anne Radmacher

I came to the sea for me: to breathe, to rest, to reconnect. I came to the sea feeling run down and as stormy as the weather around me. I walked in the wind, feeling it strip away my outer shell of frustration. I walked in the rain, letting it wash away the tension held in my body. I did yoga, moving the stale energy out of my body and welcoming in the new. I meditated, holding myself open to this grand universe we are a part of. The waves crashed toward me again and again, the energy of the powerful sea not ebbing into the sand but instead, rushing into and through me, clearing out negativity, fears, complacency. Leaving in its place, a quiet contentedness; a settled feeling of internal power that only comes when I am connected to myself. Indeed, I came to the sea... to breathe.

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