Okay, so maybe not everyone does that, but for me, it's a sacred space where I get to reconnect with my self and gain perspective on life. And that is just what I've been needing.
It. Was. Wonderful.
I heard some interesting things within myself, but one that was a bit more tucked away was a sadness at not feeling like I can enjoy this pregnancy. We (and specifically, I) went through a lot for this baby. Wanting to be a mom and have a big family has always been a desire of mine, and it is so joyous and wonderful that I am now pregnant. And it has come at a time of such upheaval and change and readjustment that I have felt very distracted from the pleasure of being pregnant and thinking about having another baby. Those two things bring me such happiness and calm and centeredness.
I want to enjoy this part of the journey; to be excited and expectant and happy. I am at the beginning of the third trimester and even realizing that, it brought on a touch of unexpected sadness. I think it's because, for me, there is no guarantee of having another baby. It's not the assumption most women live with which is that, when she wants another baby, she can just have one. I don't know what the road ahead looks like for me when it comes to more children, and I want to be more present at this time so I can enjoy it.
So, there was that. The other thing that was a major deal was working on recognizing what needs to be on my plate and what doesn't. Hahaaha... right? I hear the laughter out there of everyone who understands, struggles with this, hasn't overcome it yet, etc., etc. Balance is a huge challenge for lots of us. I have noticed over the years that I have chosen friends who are more laid back about things than me, and I cherish them so much because I an working toward that end of the spectrum.
The things on my plate seem overwhelming and large and heavy. Focusing on all of them makes me stressed, a more impatient and irritable mom, an un-fun spouse, and an all-around basketcase. Time to take some things off the plate. At least put them on another plate and put them to the side, only dealing with them when I choose to. They are not nourishing who I am and who I want to be. And, truly, they are not all necessary. Yes, there are boxes around and one of the skylights leaks and the dryer vents into the house and dirt somehow keeps coming into my house and our shed is full of stuff that we need to sort through and.... well, you get the picture.
But these are all surface things. First world problems that, yes, bring on some stress, but are really just things. In the end, deep down, what is most important to me are my relationships, mostly the one(s) with my child(ren). Parenting is a journey you can't rewind. I don't want Jacob to remember me as a stressed, nit-picking mama or, even worse, to become that person himself. I want to build a foundation for him so he can become the best person he can be. That is what I think parenting is about. That is why I have chosen to have children; to help another soul reach his/her potential. I want to enjoy it. I want to be present for it. For him and soon, for them.
So, some things are coming off the plate, at least the main plate. There will always be other plates, but balancing them and putting them where they belong is a trick of the mind as much as anything. Deciphering what is truly important and what just feels naggy. Reminding oneself that, for almost all things, if they are not done "right now" the world will not end and that we get to choose what control they have over us.
Like I said, reconnecting with self and gaining perspective on life as it is right now. It's easy to get off-track and to fall into old patterns, especially during times of stress. The thing is, not to stay in them.
|Photos taken at Denver Botanic Gardens|