One of the things with writing a personal blog is deciding what to write about and when. I mean, how much of my personal life do I share? Do I share the good? The bad? The ugly? How do I write about things that involve others as well?
It's a complicated and sensitive topic and I'm sure there are as many answers out there as there are personal blogs. For me, this is a place I have created to keep friends and family included in our lives, no matter the distance. But also, it is a place for me to write through my life and through that, to become better connected to myself. Sometimes it's the hard times when I need a space like this. It's scary to open my life to the world and yet, we are all humans. We all have times that challenge us and when we don't know how we'll get through them. So, here I am being human.
There's no light way to put where I am in life right now. Fraser and I are in the midst of deciding whether or not to get a divorce. The road has been long, complicated, sad and hard. We've been in Georgia for almost a year now, living together at first with his parents and then separately. Every one who has ever trodden this path, knows the challenges even though they are different in every situation. But when you have loved someone and put your heart and soul, sweat and tears into him/her and your relationship, it can't not be somewhat painful when you pull apart.
One of the hardest things for me is feeling like I'm giving up if I let go. This isn't what I committed to or what I envisioned for my life and family ever. I can see the possibility of hope but I can't get there on my own in a marriage. I don't know the answers. I can't reach into another person and makes things better or make him decide that this is worth fighting for. And maybe it's not. I don't like to let that thought enter into my head because there is so much of me that knows it is. And when do I let go if he isn't willing to believe that?
One's own perception is everything. Not reality usually. What's real for each of us is how we experience something. Two people go to the same movie - one loves it, one hates it. We can look from different angles, try to see it from another's point of view. Or not.
I work hard to not go down the rabbit-role of self pity or making Fraser wrong for how he feels because those places are really a waste of energy. I work to keep my affirmations positive, my mindset strong, my actions those that will take me to where I want to be in life: a strong, loving mom and wife who is making a huge contribution to others in the world. I am stronger than I was a year ago, more confident and sure in many of my decisions and more in touch with my own impact in the world and that I want to be an inspiration to others. The parts of me that have been hidden for years are showing up again.
And I have no idea how my life will unfold over the next several months. I'm working always on growing, being a better version of myself today than I was yesterday. I'm only human and sometimes, I have to fall apart a bit in order to make way for something new to be built.
I have said that this is the year of the Phoenix - burning away the ashes and rising newly. Yeah, it sure has been. But let me tell you, burning off layers can be pretty darn uncomfortable! I know that it is through the most challenging times that we become the strongest. That we learn the most about ourselves and have the opportunity to choose who we will be in the situation and in our lives. So even though it's hard, I'm choosing love, empowerment, strength and hope. And when I don't have the answers and can't see the future, I will take life one step at a time.
So, where in the world have I been? That's easy - Georgia. And what have I been doing? Well... in a nutshell, taking care of myself and my kids and beginning to create a life I love and am living powerfully.
The thing about life is that it's always throwing stuff at you. Things that you don't see coming or that you might see coming but you look the other way because you don't really want to see them coming. And that's just the nature of life. I knew from an early age I'm not here to just go along with the circumstances of my life and let them dictate what I can do or who I can be. Over the past few years, though, that's how I've been living.
Over the past seven months, I have been working hard at rediscovering who I am for myself, my kids and my family. Last summer, at the beginning of this journey, the hills of the roller coaster felt a lot more scary and life felt a lot more out of control. But I put structures in place that I knew would support me.
I took a coaching course by my friend Sage, which helped me get back in touch with my confidence. I've been involved in Landmark; their programs which have truly given me myself and my life back. And I have recently started a wellness business with Arbonne, a job which is allowing me to have my cake (making a full-time income to support me and my kids) and eat it too (working this business part-time so I can be home with those same kiddos). This job also pushes me in so many areas of personal growth, and I just love that!
Because here's the other thing about life - there ain't no dress rehearsal. This is it, people. So this is the year of my personal phoenix. I am continually burning away the layers that have piled up over the years: the resignation, the doubt, the complacency. A new me is emerging from the ashes: strong, confident, empowered, free. This is my life. And I get to choose what it will be.
During the squirellier times in life, we need something to hold onto, or rather, something to hold onto us. Things happen. There isn't much that is in our control in this grand world. However, what we do with the circumstances presented to us is truly what it's all about.
In my own hard times these days, I've had the opportunity to look deep within, in places I have never fully explored before. And what I've found is incredible.
There is a place within that holds all my perfection and wonder and miraculousness, and no matter what occurs to me on the outside, that place continues to exist. I am so fortunate to know that place and be present to all that I have the possibility of being. A place of comfort and refuge. A place of strength and encouragement. A place of knowing.
It's this belief in myself and my ability to create the life I want that is holding me up during the hard times. It's a belief that I can live as the creator of my life, not the victim of my circumstances. And it's the actions I then take to make that so.
A couple weeks ago, I was in the grocery store and saw a mug that I would have loved to have. I passed it by, though, knowing we have no income these days and that I didn't "need" a mug. About a week later, I passed by the mug again and I said to myself, "I believe in you. That $4.76 for that mug is completely worth it because you will soon be making money. I know you can do that and you are worth having someone you love." So I bought it. The last one on the shelf. And every time I hold that mug and drink tea from it, I believe in myself.
Because I believed in myself, I took portraits of a family as a paid photographer for the first time! I'm working on my own website: www.jwink25.wix.com/portfolio. And I got a job teaching at Gymboree Play and Music.
I'm taking the first steps of gaining control over parts of my life again. And it feels good.
Life's really good at throwing curve balls. Sometimes you see them coming. Lots of times you don't. People watching your life might have seen them coming and they want to judge you on your decisions, your awareness, your life. There are people who want to help you, love you, support you when you get hit by the ball. And then there's you.
You might judge yourself. You might hate yourself. You might pity yourself, love yourself, be unsure of yourself, laugh at yourself. You might be terrified or exhausted or angry or sad or hurt or all of the above.
Each day you start again, though. Taking it one moment at a time, one small step in front of another. Sometimes there are steps backward. More judgement and more love. Any day can hold a myriad of ups and downs, sureness and insecurity. There are no constants in these days.
And slowly, you begin to know yourself again. Slowly, you come to recognize who is holding you up, truly. Because there has always only ever been one person. Even when it seemed like that person had abandoned you completely and left you awash in frustration and doubt and guilt. That person has never once left your side. In the hardest of times, that person has shielded you in the only way she knew how; by surviving. And by loving you unconditionally.
That person is you.
Maybe not all of you have been sitting around wondering what we're going to do with our lives. But, since October,
we most certainly have been. Lots of questions, concerns, ideas and suggestions have passed between Fraser and me. It wasn't until about a month ago when the lightning struck.
I was sitting in the library reading a manuscript for a friend. He had written about an adventure he and his family had taken on the one of the Great Lakes. He wrote that after this amazing, challenging and exciting trip, regular life seemed pretty mundane and that the four walls of a classroom felt boring. And it struck me: what are we still doing here!?
The world is a grand place full of wonder and cultures and foods and treasures and experiences and people. Fraser and I love traveling and have wanted to do more ever since our last trip, which was our honeymoon 7 1/2 years ago. But there have always been things that have stopped us: owning a house, having a steady job, having kids. And these are all very real things that do change life. And yet.... there is so much more to life.
We've been doing the status quo thing (job, kids, house) for six years now, and I wouldn't say either one of us is balls-out, spirit soaring, feel-the-rightness-to-your-bones, LOVE life and want to shout about it happy. I'd say we're fine. We're doing what we need to in order to feed ourselves and keep shelter over our heads, sprinkling in a few short-lived joyous moments here and there. I wouldn't say we're really living.
I certainly don't mean any disrespect for people who do these things and are completely happy and fulfilled by them. That is awesome! It's just that... we're not. So we have made a decision that will, undoubtedly, change our lives.
We are going to shed some shit and shake things up. In other words, sell off all we can and travel the world. True statement. Not joking. This is not April, folks. The moment I thought the idea sitting in the library, I knew it was what we had to do. I came home and told Fraser that this was what our plan was going to be. And he agreed because he's that kind of guy (one of the things I love very much about him).
There are so many logistics that we are in the process of figuring, and I'll be writing about them here. I hope to create a new blog dedicated more to the actual traveling and places we go, pictures included, of course. The "plan" is South America for roughly a year, give or take depending on how it goes. And that's it, at this point. It may not seem like much to some of you but it's what feels right for us. Finally.
When something feels this right, I do it because it's my soul talking and who else knows what is best for me than her? I listen because otherwise I'll spend my days looking back with regret which will build into distrust of myself which really only leads to unhappiness. I listen because it's exciting and scary and powerful to jump into the unknown but it makes me feel alive. I listen because this is what makes me, me.
And yes, we're bringing the kids.
"Gray day... everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today." -Dr. Seuss
It's true, that sometimes the day is grey... outside and in. Especially the day after a lovely vacation when all your relatives are around and even though it can be a bit crazy at times, really, it's just fun to have such love and good times and escape from reality. So... what's a girl to do? Go out and take pictures, of course.
Growing up in Michigan, we had the grey season from November through March so these rare grey days in Colorado hold a bit of nostalgia for me. They make me remember going out to the nature parks with my dad and grandma or with my siblings: trying to spot the well-hidden deer in the forest; tree-tipping; feeding chickadees and nuthatches and sparrows from our hands. Just going out into nature made me feel more relaxed, more aware of what really mattered in life.
As a grown-up (ugh), I tend to get a bit swamped down by all the responsibilities and realities that come with this job. And sometimes, I feel a bit grey on the inside. That's when it's most important to look. Look at anything, but truly look at it. See the world and what beauty it always has to offer, no matter how grey it seems.
I'm always pleasantly surprised by what I find.
The beauty I find outside makes me remember that I also contain more than can be discerned by a simple glance. When I look within, I can find the beauty, the strength, the desire to live fully. Even on my grey days, I hold so much wonder within myself. It is easy to doubt that or forget, to be lulled into complacency by the monotony of regularity. But nothing in this life is regular. Everything, even the tiniest flower, has intricacy and depth and power. We only have to want to look.... and to see.
