small steps

Often, at this time of year, I am feeling motivated to make some great changes in my life: start fresh on things, embrace new challenges. But this January (and for the past few months), I have to admit that I have felt very... uninspired. Instead, I feel tired, overwhelmed, unmotivated and even (hard to admit) depressed on some days. Not like me, really, and I can't say I'm a fan. 

So... one evening, I had a little quiet time with myself and I said, "Self, what's the deal?" And my self said, "Anything feels like too much. I feel like I'm already at my max every day. I can't fit more in." So I said, in turn, "But do you really want to feel like this, all blah?" Definitely not. "Then something must be done. One small step at a time."

I made a list of all the things I'd love to have in different aspects of my life: regular meditation and yoga practice, having fun with my kids, have awesome communication with Fraser, do what I enjoy, make money doing what I enjoy, push myself, write better, travel. Then I made a list of small steps in each of my categories. So, in my Health & Well-Being category, one of my small steps is to meditate ten minutes a day (a resolution I practiced a couple years ago that I found to be very helpful but I'd given it up over the years). I have been doing it and boy, does it feel good!

The steps might not seem like a lot sometimes, but what they do feel like is achievable. The big dreams... I like them, but I don't always know how to get to them and that is depressing and unmotivating. But breaking them down... that feels better. 

Another one of my dreams is to write better and be published. I have been pondering starting a different blog meant for a wider audience. Before Christmas I had been gathering info on how to write a better, profitable blog. At first, I was excited. Then I was intimidated. And finally, I stopped. Everything. Stopped learning more, stopped blogging here for a bit. 

Today, as I was meditating, I thought about that, the stopping, and asked myself why I had done that. The answer? The age-old stopper of so many wonderful dreams: fear. Fear that I'm not a good enough writer, that no one will read my stuff, that I don't know how to make my blog look professional or work well because computer stuff doesn't come easily to me, that there are too many bloggers out there already, that I will never make money from writing, that my writing isn't important enough to put time into, that I just can't do it. So many harmful feelings and thoughts. 

And I told myself, gently, "Hey, just take a small step. Just read the rest of the tips for making a better blog. You don't have to do anything after that. Just read it." So I did. And I got excited again. About writing, about what I would like to say, about others reading what I have to say, about reading others' blogs. That means I'm headed in the right direction. 

Gaining energy from what I'm doing, instead of being drained, feels good. Facing a fear, even just a little bit, and coming out the other side, feels good. I don't know where any of this will lead and that, in itself, is scary. But if I think of things in small steps, I can make forward motion toward my bigger dreams. And that also feels good.