Sometimes, my brain starts going a little crazy, and I get a bit self-critical. Alright, sometimes it's more than a bit. I start thinking about all the things that aren't "right" in my life: my abs aren't flat, I don't like the house we're living in, I'm not contributing enough to my family's financial well-being, I'm not doing enough with my spare time. Call me crazy, call me Type A, call me an over-achiever... it's just part of me.
Many times I have to check myself and put things in perspective. I need to tell myself that I am over-analyzing my life, that all is not out of control and that taking a nap is sometimes the best use of my time. Of course, this is easier to do when I am feeling closer to my core.
So, in times like these, I think it's important to look at what I do have. To look at the full spaces instead of the empty ones to realize just what my life is made up of these days. This is what I see:
:: a body that is healthy, feels comfortable and (being as humble as possible) is attractive as well. I can go to the gym, do any class I want, eat the foods I want (within reason), know that so much goes on within me that I don't even have to think about. Amazing.
:: a boy, my son, healthy, beautiful, funny, smart, kind, perfect. He cuddles me, challenges me, tells me "perspective!" when I'm crabby, asks me so many questions my brain goes all fuzzy by the end of the day and my sentences are no longer coherent. He's silly, which makes me laugh. He's inquisitive, which makes me wonder and reminds me that I used to wonder a lot more. He's aware and calls me out on some of my own bullsh*t. He is a great human being who I have the honour of helping grow into himself. Amazing.
:: my best friend, day-to-day and lifelong partner who may not always understand me but who always tries. A man who loves me on the days I shower and shave and apply deodorant and after three days camping with no shower and no hair combing whatsoever. One who is lover, co-parent and logical counterpart to my whimsy. Someone with whom I can spend hours silently and feel as if he's just an extension of myself. Amazing.
:: a location that was not our first choice and that has provided many challenges to us as individuals and as a couple. A place where I have found a support group of moms that I had not had before and so many friends for Jacob. A place that surrounds us in lush green forests, snowy volcanic peaks, powerful blue ocean. Fresh local fruits, vegetables, meat, seafood, dairy, plentiful water. Amazing.
:: extended families that visit us, love us, give to us, share with us, love us, humour us. Families that we in turn cherish and visit and support and love. They have helped us grow into the people we are, the family we are. They are with us even though they are far away. And they will always be with us in strong and subtle ways. Amazing.
Yes, it is important to look at the fullness of our lives. To really see what we have. My life is full indeed.