Looking back at when Jacob was younger, more carefree, less frustrated by his brother or life or growing up or me makes me smile and makes me a bit sad for those times that are past.
It stirs up a lot of emotions seeing little bits of our life and knowing that that was the time we were in Oregon or that was when we had our gardens in Boulder and would plant veggies to pick ourselves or that was when life seemed easier as a couple and a family, when I was able to think about what dessert to make with what in-season fruit in Oregon (oh, the fruit!) or what home improvement I would hopefully make someday to our house in Boulder.
As I was walking out to pick thyme from my in-laws garden this evening, I was thinking about my gardens in Boulder. In many ways, as we're going through this challenging time of reconfiguring our relationship and family, some of those thoughts or "worries" look very trivial now.
I'm reminded how life is all about one's perspective really. When things are going well (or mostly well....) one has the luxury to think on things like home remodels or paint colours or what to plant in a garden that season. When going through a more challenging time, the thoughts change: what are the most important things in my life and what do I want to create with them?
There are two paths to go down during challenging times: the path of self-pity, loss and bitterness or the one of gratitude. I'm not saying that I haven't shed a few tears and grieved over the way things in my life have been shifting - that's an important part of healing and moving forward. But knowing how things can change, makes me especially grateful for all that I do have today.
I am so incredibly grateful for:
- my two beautiful, healthy, amazing children who I get to see and hold and love and nurture every single day
- my own health and beauty and body that functions so well each and every moment
- my in-laws who have taken me in, loved me when I've been not so lovable, provided me with food and shelter and provided that to my kids as well and been supports during hard times
- the community of people I have created here in the year I've been here, who I can go to for love, listening, support, encouragement, a margarita, a hike, babysitting, pool time...
- my sister-in-law here who has become a very close friend
- my own family who loves me so fiercely and dearly and who would do anything for me
- all the self-growth I have done over the past year to get myself clearer and clearer every day on who I am and who I am being in this world and who I am always working to become
- and simple things like the abundance of alive smells in these humid evenings or after a rain, the frogs chirping and bugs playing out their evening symphony each night, the bard owl calling in the woods at night or in the morning or even, a few times, in the middle of the day! (still haven't seen him...)
There's always something for which to be grateful. Even on my hardest days or in my saddest moments, there is so much still for which I am grateful. It's all about my perspective.
What are you grateful for right now, in this very moment?