it's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've posted here, and I kind of feel awkward and like I'm getting my feet back under me. Finding the line between too much sharing and not enough sharing is (apparently) a bit challenging for me. 

I'm doing a lot of... hmmm... I wouldn't call it soul-searching, although it sometimes feels like that. More like regrouping, rediscovering and renewing myself. It feels good. Life can kind of go along, and I've been noticing over a bit of time now just how far I've come from who I wanted to be in this life. And it's not to say that who I am now sucks or that my life sucks or that I don't like any of the choices I've made. That's not true. I guess I'd say it's more like, I've taken the "easy" way out by letting go of my dreams and goals instead of believing in myself and that I really could do anything I set my mind to. I've quit on myself over the years.

In this whole recent process of upheaval (some) and transition (lots) and a bit more of the challenging side of life,  I get to look again at who I am and how I'd actually like to be living. And I get to actively choose that every day.

I'm not saying that every day is rainbows and unicorns (or unicorns barfing rainbows, as my friend Tiffany might say). Sometimes I have to take life little moment by little, tiny moment. And I also feel a strength and an old confidence that I haven't known for awhile. It feels good. I feel more curiosity and energy and interest in different activities. I'm putting more time and effort into writing. I'm taking a photography class to know how to get the image I want by choice not just luck. I'm putting energy into me. 

I still have lots of challenges in my life these days the two most prominent being a six and three quarters year old who definitely needs more action in his days and a nineteen month old who definitely needs more outlets for his actions.

 But I'm hanging in there. I'm here. I'm showing up (most times) in my days with hope and positivity (alright, I can't always claim the latter, especially when I wake up with the baby at 4:44am!). And I definitely know I'm growing, which is the awesome, if oftentimes uncomfortable, side effect of tough times on this crazy-awesome, scary-wonderful journey of life!