Leadership. Ambition. Respect. Energy. Enthusiasm. Drive. Interest. Confidence. These are all words that come to me when I think about what I miss within myself. It's not that I don't love being with and raising my children, because I do. It's a choice I have been lucky enough to make with Fraser's support. That said, there are parts of me that are not being used to their potential and, after six years or so, that is taking its toll.
When I'm being honest with myself, many of the things around the house that I choose to let drive me crazy are avoidance tactics. It's easier to let myself get overwhelmed with all the things to take care of with an older house and big yard. It's much harder to take a good look inside and think, wow, what would really make me happy and can I achieve that.
Before Fraser lost his job, I had really been starting to think about what I'd like to get into and focus on: my writing, photography. Now, I've jumped into the role I tend towards - helper of others. In thinking about what Fraser can do, where he can do it, what he'd like to do, I've put my own needs and wants on the back burner again (read: avoidance). With our agreement thus far that Fraser be the breadwinner, it's what feel I have to do. My job is more flexible and can be done anywhere. That has it's own perks, for sure. It's just... well, what it has turned into for me is that I don't give enough energy or credence to what I want to do or could do anymore. I am second even to myself.
It's not that I don't think I have talents. Let me make that clear. It's... believing in them enough, figuring out which ones to pursue and putting merit into actually pursuing them. Putting merit in them means time, commitment, maybe money. Are my talents worth that? Can I succeed at artistic endeavours that I enjoy doing? Those are some of the questions my brain starts firing away, questions based in fear of failure, surely. I would not have doubted myself ten years ago. There are days and times now when I don't doubt myself. More often, though, it creeps in and inhibits me.
I want to live a life uncommon. I want to build castles in the sky and put the foundations under them. I want to feel full and happy in my days. I miss dreaming of what I want to do in life. I miss being energized by ideas. Too many conversations are filled with complaints instead of wonderings and joys and hopes. My energy is going out but not enough is coming in. That's not how I want to spend my days, my life. The world is an amazing and beautiful place. I want to feel and know that within my body again.
I had a dream a few years ago where my spirit guide came to me and reminded me of how good adventure feels and how rewarding going into the unknown can be. That path feels right to me, especially when I'm listening to my Self and trusting her. When I have put faith in myself, I have never been led wrong. But the less I do it, the scarier it is to do, and the harder it is to hear my true self.
But she is in there, my true self. I have known her since I was a young child, and she has never left me. She is amazing: strong, brilliant, full. My highest self. My spirit guide. This is my journey but it is also hers. Together, we can do wonderful things. It's time for me to trust that again.