As if from above, I see my path before me, as a person. Her constant partner is a golden beam of light, the part of myself that knows what is right, feels it deep within and guides me down my path. We are having many adventures together. We are laughing, happy, traveling. We tell others we are “living abroad”.
We come to a point and I feel that what I “should do” needs to play a larger role. I arrange it so that the beam of light can partner with what I “should be” doing. My path calmly aligns the two, not feeling distress over the loss of the light, nor jealousy toward the “should do” part. The “should do” part waits a bit apprehensively but once the beam of light shows up, she is relieved. As the light goes to meet her, though, he seems to die, turning to stone before her. She is upset but not distraught. My path looks on calmly, only mildly surprised.
I see my path begin to guide the “should do” part away from the beam of light, along a narrow ledge. To our side is a vast canyon. The “should do” part is nervous, scared of the edge. We stop to rest and as she sits down with her legs dangling over the edge, she falls forward. She clings desperately to the ledge with her arms twisted behind her. Calmly, my path leans down, grabs hold of an arm and pulls her into a shelter of rocks; a place of fear and doubts but also of comfort because it is away from the ledge and the unknown vastness of the canyon. She is trembling, relieved at the security around her. Yet she feels alone and scared still.
I ask my path, “Why did you do that? Why did you stop the “should do” part from falling into the canyon?”
Calmly my path responds, “You are on this path. Sometimes it is scary and you need comfort.”
“But I thought you’d want her to jump into the unknown,” I say.
“You feel the excitement of the unknown, don’t you? The possibilities that exist there and the potential within yourself. You feel the pull of the canyon. The unknown is your path.”
“What about her?”
“She is scared. Scared of jumping and scared of staying. There is disconnect between the “should do” part and the beam of light.”
“I trusted the beam of light and let go of fears. I gave him to the “should do” part.” I look back to where we left the beam of light. He still seems like a stone. “Have you left me,” I ask him quietly.
“Do you think I have?” the light says directly to me. I am surprised to hear him.
Within me, I feel energy build up inside my stomach, my chest, my throat. Tears come to my eyes as this strong and knowing energy rises within me and starts to overflow.
“No,” I say.
“I haven’t left you.” The voice I feel and hear is solid, calm, reassuring. “You need to trust me and follow me, even over a cliff. You have followed me over cliffs before. Have I ever led you wrong?”
I think of times when all logic and other people told me to choose differently and yet, the voice of the light was stronger. I trusted that voice and was brought to amazing places, met people who touched my soul, learned things about myself that gave me strength and wisdom. I have never once regretted trusting the light.
“No,” I say.
“I won’t lead you wrong. Trust me.”
“I want to hear you more.” There are more voices now than there used to be.
“You have to listen.”
“What about my doubts and fears, the things that think they are keeping me safe? What do I do with them,” I ask, seeing the “should do” part still sitting amongst the stones.
“They will always be there. You can build them up or take them down, but that is up to you.” The light is strong and knowing. There is no doubt between us at this moment, only trust and belief. A solidness expands within my chest; a solidness that does not weigh me down but rather lifts me like a bird feeling the current under wing.
I look to my path. She is nonchalant, knowing that whichever way I go, it is all part of the journey. She is along for whatever ride I choose.
I look to the “should do” part, unsure, unhappy, confused. She does not seem to belong here. Not wanting to be in a world of fear but too scared to be free of it.
I look out to the canyon. It is vast. It holds many unknowns. It holds many possibilities, adventures, teachings. It holds excitement. I feel a faint breeze and breathe the new air in deeply.
I look to the beam of light. He is smiling, already knowing my choice. He reaches for me and together, we jump.