Tuesday, September 10, 2013

mommy ponderings

Today, Jacob is in school for more of a full day. I dropped him off at 9 and will pick him up at 3:30. Deep breath. I am used to the 2-2.5 hour times apart while he's in school, but this definitely feels different. It's the longest we've been apart while he's been in a setting without Fraser or one of our family members. Totally weird.

Parts of me are marveling at the time on my own to get things accomplished. Time that I haven't had like this for almost five years. It's a complete readjustment again. And there are the parts of me that are not used to being apart from Jacob for this long and miss him and want to hold him and snuggle him and just have him be my baby. Sigh... 

I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is letting your children go when they need to. The tantrums can be hard and the pushing against the rules and the constant nagging at me for attention... they all have their places in the book of "Hardships of Parenting". But letting your child go when he/she needs it is so hard because it pulls on the heart. It hits deep within in that space only a parent can understand where our child has taken over a large portion of our hearts. 

I find lots of joy in watching Jacob grow and experience new things, even independent things. I want him to be happy and confident in the world, absolutely. It's just that there are parts of my heart that always want him to be my baby, too. Always want him to snuggle with me, tell me how much he loves me, look at me with his sparkly blue eyes because he's so happy to be with me. So... it's hard to let go. Very important, though, for both of us, and I try to keep that in mind, too. After all, this is only the very beginning of the letting go.

Thankfully, I have another baby on the way! We had an ultrasound on Friday, week 20. Everything is looking good in there. It was sucking on it's thumb at one point. Jacob asked whether it would touch a blankie or it's neck (he likes to pinch his neck skin as a comfort object). I said we'd just have to wait to find out. 

No gender shots which is good because we don't want to know it's gender until it pops out. It's funny to hear people's reactions to that. Some are all congratulatory, others completely shocked and amazed. Not too long ago you didn't even have the option, so I always find it funny when people say, "I couldn't wait". I suppose it would be different if you didn't have the choice. For me, I don't want to put any associations or ideas or preconceived notions on the baby. I just want to meet this human being for the first time when it comes out and go from there. So it's not really hard for me to wait. Also, it is like no other surprise you will ever get. Finding out in a doctor's office, lying on a table looking at a screen is very different than waiting nine months, laboring for how ever many hours, having them hold up a brand new, crying baby and seeing its parts, adrenalin and relief and joy coursing through you. So... yeah, we're waiting (sorry, that was a bit more soap boxy sounding than I was going for).


getting that thumb ready

And, finally, tomorrow is the big day when we get to move back to our house! So, for a bit, we'll be living around boxes but they will be all our boxes, with all our junk, and it will be only us to deal with each other. I am so ready. We've been here for two months and haven't truly moved yet. I think Jacob will go through a bit of withdrawal after having so many playmates here, but at least we have a good yard for him to explore. And good neighbours, too. It will good to work on settling in, that's for sure.

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