Sunday, April 28, 2013

cliff jumping (metaphorically speaking)

Six years ago (approximately), I made one of the biggest decisions of my life, which was to marry my husband. But not just to marry him; to choose to make a life with another person. I made that decision from my very core, and even though I had no way of knowing at that time what it would truly entail, I made that commitment very seriously. I say that it was one of the biggest decisions of my life, because in order to make other important decisions, I must return to this one. 

Recently, Fraser was offered a job that would mean moving back to Boulder which he has been wanting ever since we moved here two and a half years ago. As much as I love Boulder and our friends there, I have come to really enjoy it out here. I can see myself here for a long time. To be on opposing sides of a big decision has been very difficult. We each felt that we didn't want to be the selfish one, to choose what we wanted at the cost of the other person's happiness. I am so grateful and happy that I chose someone who loves me enough to feel this way. 

Among the reasons I went to the the coast a few weeks ago was the need to really listen to myself about this decision. I was heartbroken at the thought of leaving here, more so than I imagined I would be. Here was my partner, being offered a job that was more interesting to him, (hopefully) less stressful, probably a better match and yet, I am not a selfless person. I am not good at doing things other people want of me when my heart's not in it. I knew I couldn't support this if it didn't feel right within me. 

When I listened to myself, I heard sadness, tiredness, apprehension, stubbornness. But underneath all that, which was a lot, I heard a small voice saying, 'You have always said you want more for Fraser. You have always wanted him to find more fulfillment in life'. And that is true. He is my best friend, my lover, my chosen partner and what I want for him is fulfillment and happiness in life and because his life, on a day to day basis, is work (for money), I want him to be doing something that matters to him, that he enjoys. I am so grateful that I get to have that in my job (although there are days....) and that I get to keep exploring my other desires within my job. I want more for him than what he has now. So... my decision is to support him and to move our family, again. 

The decision has been big for both of us, involving risk, change, joy, sadness and unknowns. It comes at a time when there is already something big going on with me, with us. We seem to take on lots of big life changes at once. I will still cry about this decision, feel sadness at leaving the things I have grown to love about this area and the people who have helped me become the mom I am now. It has taken me awhile even to write about it here, feeling the need to process it internally, to make some peace with it, before putting it out to the world.

But I will also embrace this change of course. I believe in finding the joy in life, making decisions based on it, trusting my gut and my heart. It is not always easy to follow your heart; it is usually quite scary. Still, that is my core, and I am always learning that by trusting it and believing in it, it leads me to wonderful things. 

 Love where you live. I have embraced that here in the Pacific Northwest, so much so that it hurts to leave. Love what you do. That is the motivation, the goal, the hope. Life is a collection of days, days spent in ways that shape us. I want to choose my days consciously. 

While at the coast, I came upon a most fitting card that reminds me of a dream I once had:
             Come to the edge, he said
             We are scared, they said
             Come to the edge, he said.
             They came
             He pushed them...
             They flew    

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