I'll admit it...
There are times when I doubt myself: what kind of mom I am, how much I'm doing, what else I wish I could be doing.
There are times when I want a break, a real break where I get to be away from my kid for a whole week and not have to be responsible the whole time.
There are times I feel like I've lost that adventurous, spontaneous, carefree person I was in my early twenties who took road trips, climbed mountains, made decisions on a gut feeling at the spur of the moment.
And then there are times like tonight...
when I'm hanging out with my child and he's smiling at me like I am the best thing in the world;
when we're in the bath together, and he's laughing himself silly over a word I said or a game I made up;
when he tells me I look pretty (without my glasses on);
when he just wants to "snuggle" with me;
when I am his joy, his comfort, his sorrow, his questions and his answers.
It's these times when I know I've chosen to do what I truly want. The sparkle in his eyes, the confidence he brings to his daily activities, the fun he finds in eating herbs fresh from our pots, when he thinks cookies come from "homemade", the trust he puts in me to know answers, to love him, to be there.... that is what it's all about.
I am helping another human being to become himself. I know I'm not doing it all "right". But I'm doing it in the most meaningful way I am capable of. I'm giving him the best I feel that I can. I spend my time with him and that, I believe, is huge.
I can't speak for others who do this type of job (mothering, that is). Each person has her own style. That's also why they can't speak for me. And why I can't compare myself to others. This is what I have chosen. This is what I love. This is what it's all about.