Thursday, June 30, 2016

the ugh-ly side of life

One of the things with writing a personal blog is deciding what to write about and when. I mean, how much of my personal life do I share? Do I share the good? The bad? The ugly? How do I write about things that involve others as well? 

It's a complicated and sensitive topic and I'm sure there are as many answers out there as there are personal blogs. For me, this is a place I have created to keep friends and family included in our lives, no matter the distance. But also, it is a place for me to write through my life and through that, to become better connected to myself. Sometimes it's the hard times when I need a space like this. It's scary to open my life to the world and yet, we are all humans. We all have times that challenge us and when we don't know how we'll get through them. So, here I am being human.

There's no light way to put where I am in life right now. Fraser and I are in the midst of deciding whether or not to get a divorce. The road has been long, complicated, sad and hard. We've been in Georgia for almost a year now, living together at first with his parents and then separately. Every one who has ever trodden this path, knows the challenges even though they are different in every situation. But when you have loved someone and put your heart and soul, sweat and tears into him/her and your relationship, it can't not be somewhat painful when you pull apart.

 One of the hardest things for me is feeling like I'm giving up if I let go. This isn't what I committed to or what I envisioned for my life and family ever. I can see the possibility of hope but I can't get there on my own in a marriage. I don't know the answers. I can't reach into another person and makes things better or make him decide that this is worth fighting for. And maybe it's not. I don't like to let that thought enter into my head because there is so much of me that knows it is. And when do I let go if he isn't willing to believe that?

 One's own perception is everything. Not reality usually. What's real for each of us is how we experience something. Two people go to the same movie - one loves it, one hates it. We can look from different angles, try to see it from another's point of view. Or not.

I work hard to not go down the rabbit-role of self pity or making Fraser wrong for how he feels because those places are really a waste of energy. I work to keep my affirmations positive, my mindset strong, my actions those that will take me to where I want to be in life: a strong, loving mom and wife who is making a huge contribution to others in the world. I am stronger than I was a year ago, more confident and sure in many of my decisions and more in touch with my own impact in the world and that I want to be an inspiration to others. The parts of me that have been hidden for years are showing up again.

 And I have no idea how my life will unfold over the next several months. I'm working always on growing, being a better version of myself today than I was yesterday. I'm only human and sometimes, I have to fall apart a bit in order to make way for something new to be built.

 I have said that this is the year of the Phoenix - burning away the ashes and rising newly. Yeah, it sure has been. But let me tell you, burning off layers can be pretty darn uncomfortable! I know that it is through the most challenging times that we become the strongest. That we learn the most about ourselves and have the opportunity to choose who we will be in the situation and in our lives. So even though it's hard, I'm choosing love, empowerment, strength and hope. And when I don't have the answers and can't see the future, I will take life one step at a time.


1 comment:

  1. I went through a very painful divorce almost two decades ago. I am still dealing with the effects, I truly feel for and empathize with what you are going through. I will never stop missing my husband. Yet, I think the hardest thing for me is having to share the children I raised and my grandchildren with the woman for who my husband left me. She was allowed to walk down the aisle at my daughters' weddings. Also, my husband has a lot of money, and I don't. So he and his wife can provide more experiences (boating, cottage, bigger house) than I can. It's always hard. Holidays are interesting, too. I don't wish divorce on anyone. It may seem like a good solution at the time, but there are so many complexities that unfold down the road. In hindsight, I think my husband and I could have worked through all of our problems and stayed together. That is what I wish for you.