embrace it?

Most of you know that I had a hard time when it came to moving back to Boulder from Portland. Portland opened my eyes to new things and inspired me to take on new hobbies and gave me a great support network of mom friends and introduced me to gorgeous, rain-soaked places and showed me the power of the ocean. It was really starting to feel nice and homey when it became time to leave.

We've been in Boulder for one year and seven months now. Fraser's job (that we moved here for) is gone. I'm living in the house that I was very glad not to have to deal with. And we're in limbo land as far as what our future holds. So... 

Part of me gets excited at the idea of moving away from here again. Maybe back to Portland. Culling our things, letting go of the house, saying "Thanks, Boulder, but we're moving on". Even though it's been over a year and a half now, I still feel like I'm readjusting to Boulder. Not warming up the way I once did to this town. I mean, my facebook profile still says I live in Portland, for Pete's sake. I think that's called 'denial'. 

I don't really feel like I belong here; it doesn't feel like a fit right now. But I've been thinking about this a lot recently as Fraser searches for jobs around here, more committed than me to making this place our home. Maybe it's time for me to embrace living here. Ugh. See, I can't even say that without feeling a bit... disappointed, sad. 

I have tried to imbed myself here again, in some ways: a new book club, being the classroom mom for Jacob's preschool, going to lactation groups when Benjamin was wee, going to jazz class regularly... In the end, even though I have worked to involve myself in my hobbies, I just don't feel like I have much to show for it. Maybe that's an illusion, and I actually have more than I think I do. Okay. I'm willing to hear that. But I just don't feel it yet.

So... what if I am still resisting and that's what is making me feel distant? Do I want to live here or am I just doing it because I have to? Am I letting go of living somewhere else and thinking of this place as my home? No. Definitely no. It's hard to let go, though. 

I remember when I was in college and was going through a painful break up with my first serious boyfriend. At one point, I was with my counselor and got this image of me holding a sharp little stone in my hand that represented my pain. I was clutching it tightly because by doing so, I was still holding part of my ex and what we had. I didn't want to let that go even though it was hurting me. This feels similar. I don't want to let go of Portland because I have a lot of really good memories of our times and of myself while there. If I let that go, I'll really be saying good-bye to those things. But, if I don't let go, I will remain in this half-committed, not truly happy place. 

I believe in the motto 'love where you live'. That's the attitude I brought with me when I moved to Portland. And it worked. Maybe a little too well. Here I am again with this decision to make: live somewhere and be okay with it or choose to love it. Sigh... 

When I was at the Pacific Coast years ago making this decision to move, I came across a card with these words. They were important then and feel important again now.
Come to the edge, he said
             We are scared, they said
             Come to the edge, he said.
             They came
             He pushed them...
             They flew     

So. I will (try to) let go of my issues with Boulder and actually (try to) love where I live. If I give it all of myself and it still doesn't work, then I'll know it's not meant to be and something else will show up. But if it does work, then I'll be happy. And that, after all, is the point.