transfer eve

Tomorrow is not only my birthday and our transfer date, but also the third anniversary of us trying to make another baby. Through all the steps: just casually trying, actually trying, getting the opinions of OB-GYN's, going to a fertility doctor who suggested drugs, going to a naturopath and acupuncturist, going back to the fertility doctor to take drugs, trying IUI and finally, IVF, this has been a long journey.

I suppose it's no wonder then that this morning I would wake up and start crying. A lot. Of course, the progesterone shots are not helping these matters, but obviously there's more going on here. Going through my head was one thing: what if it doesn't work? What if, after all this time and effort and money and shots, it doesn't work? I'm scared. 

Fraser was fantastic, holding me, telling me wonderful truths, soothing me and just letting me cry. He made a great suggestion, too: "For the next three days, let's imagine we're not moving. Don't stress out about packing or getting anything done. The only thing to stress out about is getting the puzzle done" (the 2000 piece puzzle that's been laid out on our front room floor since Christmas but is really SO close to being finished).

The thing is, I am sort of a type A person (ahem). I like things in order and I like lists and having things under control. And when I don't, I feel a little crazy and tend to start cleaning things, hence our bedroom getting an overhaul this past weekend, complete with a mattress vacuuming and bed polishing. Right. It's not like I've exactly been in control of this infertility process but it just feels like, after tomorrow, it'll be out of my hands. I will continue with my shots (joy) and envision a lovely womb but in the end, I can't really do anything about it. And that is so tough. 

So, I did work on the puzzle this morning and then headed to yoga. It was a fine practice today and after, the room was empty. I took advantage of this alone time to do some meditating on this moment. I felt the sadness come up within me, and as I listened to it, I heard from my inner selves.

me: I'm scared it's not going to work.
Little Jill (a part of myself very close to my core): Do you like who you are now?
me: Yes
Little Jill: You will still be you if this doesn't work.
me: I'm still scared, though.
Little Jill: You're scared of the pain if it doesn't work.
me: Yes (I could feel more emotion coming up at this point)
Little Jill: Have you gone through pain before?
me: Yes (images come to me of previous hard experiences0
Little Jill: And you made it. You are stronger now.
me: Yes (feeling the energy shift away from the sadness and fear toward my inner stability)
Little Jill: If it doesn't work, it will hurt and it won't feel good. But you will make it. You will still be who you are.

Thank you, self, for you words of wisdom and for communicating with me. 
Thank you to everyone who has called or texted or emailed or told me in person 'good luck tomorrow'. I appreciate your words and your thoughts so very much.