Friday, April 6, 2012

our big day

Today was a big day for Jacob and me. More so for me, I think. I enrolled Jacob in a little nature class, and the first day was today. It's only two hours but it's drop-off. I actually volunteered today, but that did not spare many emotions for me. I was not outwardly a wreck but did have many emotions going on inside. 

They look so excited, don't they? Haha.... Jacob had a few minutes at first when he felt shy, but that quickly disappeared into complete happiness. We hiked about through the beautiful woods at the Hoyt Arboretum , exploring the faerie forest where we found some delightful faerie houses and dug around in some mud piles. We scaled some hillsides, snacked under a canopy of pine boughs and played birds and worms (a chase game) in the "wedding meadow". And Jacob...

He was all about everything: running up front with some of "our new friends", digging in mud, splashing in puddles, laughing, playing, being so proud of himself as he climbed up the "mountain" by himself. He came to tell me things maybe three times. It was so special to see, really. I love seeing him so happy and comfortable. 

And me? Well.... I was thinking all sorts of things this morning: Jacob being on his own, needing to take care of himself, me not being with him, letting him go. Once we got there, I was most certainly having a great time and felt perfectly fine about him on his own. It's not him that is worried about anything. It's me. 

So, tonight, after Jacob was in bed, I had myself a good cry on Fraser's shoulder. I let my fears of the future take over sometimes: middle school, teen years (which I dread, really), my baby not being so outwardly adoring of me. Really, it's about letting go. I've been with this person almost constantly for three and a half years. I have known him since birth (and before) and helped create who he is at this point. Now, I have to send him into the world, away from me, to deal with bits of life on his own, to have experiences he may not share with me. I won't know what his entire day consists of. This all may sound silly to some of you or controlling, but this is just how parenting feels to me right now. This is the tip of the iceberg of letting go of my "baby", and it's hard for me. 

I do not want to give him my worries, though. I told Fraser tonight that this will not be the last time I need to use him as a crying post. I'll need more comforting and reassurances in the future (like next Friday when I actually drop Jacob off and don't stay). And then I'll put on my brave face for Jacob. I hope it will get easier. It must, right? 

Our picnic spot
One of my favourite (and most proud) moments was during our snack break. The teacher had cut some holes in brown paper to be dirt and then given the kids string worms to weave in the dirt. A little girl was talking to Jacob about their worms - what their names were and their genders. Jacob says, "Female and... ". He looks at me. "Male?" I say. "Female and male (pointing to each worm respectively). They're going to mate and make worm babies. Mate, mate, mate." That's my boy!

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