Yesterday, in a moment of quiet me time, I told myself two things.
The first: I don't want anymore children. My chest tightened like a wall going up inside me, keeping things out, sealing me in. Much energy, no movement.
The second: I want more children. Expansion, energy flowing around my heart and chest, breath coming easily. An underlying shelf of sadness and anxiety, but an openness as well.
This is how I knew my final decision in whether or not to do IVF. Over the past couple weeks of truly pondering it, it has felt like a big decision to me. Not because of whether or not I actually want another child so much (although there are days with Jacob when I wonder if we should have more; decisions like this allow too much time to second guess yourself instead of just being thrown into something by becoming pregnant quickly). But because there's so much to go through with this:
- classes on what to expect and how to take medications
- more intrauterine ultrasounds
- hormone testing
- drug taking
- trial transfers
- egg extraction
- how many embryos to put in me
- what to do with the embryos we don't put in me
After being "upgraded" to IVF, I get a complimentary counseling session or massage session (IUI was not traumatizing enough to merit this, I reckon). All very.... strange. Interesting. Foreign.
What I am glad for is that we're able to choose something like this. The ballpark estimate they gave me as far as cost goes is between $13-15,000. Right. Without Fraser's job that provides insurance to help us cover this, we would either be S.O.L. or deeply in debt.
I am also so glad to know that my husband is right here with me, deciding with me, holding me, listening to me, wanting more kids as much as I do. We both feel like biological failures but at least our hearts are on this journey together. There may never be any way to know why pregnancy is not working for us this time around. All I know is that we're both here, sharing this and that, especially during the sad times, is an ironically wonderful thing.