Monday, November 14, 2011


Three years ago tonight my water broke and Fraser and I made our way to Boulder Community Hospital knowing that, sooner rather than later, we'd have a baby in our arms. There is no way to truly know how it feels to be a parent until it happens to you. People can warn you, you can feel "ready" but truly, you have no idea. 

I never knew what it felt like to grow another being inside of me; the amazing way that two tiny cells came together to become a person. 

I never knew what it felt like to go through labour: hard, painful, relieving, joyous. 

I never knew how much my heart could grow to encompass the vast amount of unconditional love I have for my son.

I never knew that once my baby came out of me, I would forever be walking around with part of my heart outside my body. The world has become a more exciting and more scary place now that I see it with my child in mind.

There are such hard days when I feel like I've failed to be the mom I want to be, when I haven't been compassionate enough or understanding enough or patient enough. There are days when I soak up every little thing Jacob does, from moving his hands to how his voice sounds right now to how amazingly beautiful he is while asleep. It is a most incredible thing to know a human being from the moment he was made. I am very honoured to be helping Jacob figure out who he is and why he's here. It's intimidating some of the time and totally natural at others. He is such an amazing human being, and I hope he always knows that.

Handmade growth chart
Tomorrow we will celebrate the completion of his third year of life here. What a fast ride it has been and yet, it is sometimes hard to remember not being a mother. I hope in this next year he will continue his journey of exploration, curiosity and adventure. For me, I hope to remember to slow down and take in these times because they are fleeting. He will spend more time away from me than with me all too soon. I want lots of memories on which to look back. For now, I want to experience them all truly, fully, viscerally.

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful entry! You have a gift with words, and I hope you're able to continue to use it-- through blogging or fiction or whatever other ways you can invent to express yourself.

    I particularly love this sentence: "I never knew that once my baby came out of me, I would forever be walking around with part of my heart outside my body." I may not get the all day, every day experience of what that means, but you've effectively captured the weight of that realization.

    Please wish Jacob a happy third birthday from me! All the very best to you and Fraser too! -- Scott