Thursday, September 15, 2011

Closer to Core

When I was a little girl, I remember sitting in my granny's closet. It was upstairs and had a wooden door that blended into the wood paneling of the walls. It was part of the crawl space of the house, tucked under the slope of the roof, and my granny kept decorations in there. Probably more than that, but that's what I remember as I sat there. I would turn on the single bulb overhead with the pull of a string, sit on one of the sturdy boxes and look around. Boxes with labels on them: Christmas ornaments, Christmas lights, crafts, Halloween. Easter baskets sitting on top with their plastic grass still sitting inside. The smells of cardboard, dust, and warmed wooden beams mingling with the soft, sweet scent of my granny herself, like the thin cotton blouses she would wear in the summer. 

More than anything else, though, I remember the quiet. In this small closet, I was separate from the world: my brothers and their teasing, my parents and their disagreements. Sounds from downstairs were muffled; sometimes a call from outside was clearer. In this quiet, I was alone. Or, rather, I was with myself. Deep within me I could feel that inner place which is the center of my being, a place that knows all things, trusts itself completely and loves unconditionally. I felt it as a solid part of my body just as I feel my arms or legs, a golden beam of light running from my tailbone to the top of my head and beyond. Away from everyone and everything else, I was connected to my core and rejuvenated by the energy I found there.

My granny has long since moved away from that house and closet. I was probably six when last I was physically there. But I have returned to it on my journey, in times of need, when I need to be reminded of that sacred place within that has always been there. It's a source of great love and energy and also of measurement. I go back here to measure my daily actions, beliefs, choices, my path in this life. I go back to remember who I am at the ground of my being. 

This blog is about that journey back to my core. Returning time and time again to ask, does this fit? How I treat this amazing physical vessel, what I do with the space around me, how I teach and mother my child, what kind of partner I am to my husband, how I use my time. I want to live viscerally with that inner energy, to know and feel it in my daily actions, to make choices based on my gut. I don't want to use this precious life on anything that doesn't fit with that core. This is my journey.

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